Dear Guys of the World (or more specifically, American society),
After seeing several disturbing pictures on Facebook of couples getting manicures/pedicures together (and by several, I mean more than 3) and meeting dozens of guys who find it acceptable to wax their eyebrows on more of a routine schedule than I do, I realized I had to address the (young) males of the world all in a letter.
You see, I find it hard to believe that I’m the only single gal out there sick of seeing otherwise normal looking guys walk out of the tanning salon as I walk in, and please don’t tell me that I’m the only one who’s more than a little disturbed to read that Back, Sack and Crack Waxing is the new trend in ‘manscaping‘ in my latest issue of Cosmo. Sorry, but I just don’t need my guy as smooth as a new born baby. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for trimming certain areas, but please don’t expect me to find it attractive when your body is that of a middle school boy who hasn’t gone through puberty yet.
Lately, I’ve found myself asking myself and the girls around me on a regular basis: “Where are the real guys?” You know, the ones who don’t shave, wax, or trim their chest hair because suddenly it’s acceptable to be metrosexual. And hello, as I type this, why isn’t metrosexual popping up with a red squiggly underneath asking me to re-check my spelling? Why is Miriam-Webster defining this term!?
Has the real man become an endangered species?
Can one of you guys tell me, when did it become okay for you to eat nothing but a salad as a meal? A meatless salad, at that. C’mon, I’ve eaten a hamburger for lunch for three days in a row now, and I’m the GIRL who’s on vacation walking around the beach and pool deck in a bikini. But, at least you have your complicated Starbucks orders! What ever happened to a good, old fashioned coffee before work? Do you really need a skinny caramel macchiato with extra foam? Why does my order take less time to order than yours?
Also, I know some of you are using things like concealer and more hair product than I do to get that perfect, effortless look. Why are you spending just as much time as me, if not more, getting ready? Aren’t I supposed to be trying to look good for you? And speaking of looking good… if I can survive with less than 20 Facebook profile default pictures, you don’t need 72.
Gender roles, people!
And what about the celebrity men that seem to be the new model of man? Michael Cera? Am I supposed to be attracted to a guy who has a softer voice than I do who? How the hell has the Awkward Nerd become The Babe without coming out of his shell? And then there’s Justin Bieber. Tween girls are basically falling in love with someone of the same-sex. Anyone else disturbed?
Also, just because stores like American Apparel and Urban Outfitter sell skinny jeans, it doesn’t mean you have to buy them. Just sayin’.
Don’t think that I’m some anti-feminist chick. I’m all for working, ballsy women who can give any guy a run for their money. But to be honest, at the end of the day, I certainly don’t want to be the bread-winner to my stay-home husband. I certainly don’t want to completely wear the pants in my relationship. If I wanted to date a girl, I’d be a lesbian.
Is it so bad that I want the bad-ass tough guy who would defend me if he ever had to? Is it a crime that I’m looking for someone who’s more aggressive than I am? But, with the lack of masculine men, I have to ask myself if this is survival of the fittest. Why do the weaker, pretty boys seem to be coming out on top? Or at least, that’s what you guys think are the ideal qualities.
So guys, here’s my plea:
Stop tanning. Stop shaving every inch of your body like you’re Olympic swimmers. Put down the beauty products (you have too much to live for!). Invest in a nail clipper and learn how to use it yourself. Delete your waxer’s phone number from your phone. Grow a pair! Stop being completely whipped by your girlfriend. Stop asking if what you’re wearing looks good.
Pick a date with your girl that involves doing something besides sitting next to each other in massage chairs having an Asian woman clip your toenails. Eat a burger! Stop spending money on the same luxuries that I do and start spending it on nice dinners for your girlfriend, or tickets to a sporting event. Stop taking care of yourself so much and start taking care of the people in your life.
Stop gossiping. Gossiping is a method of bonding between woman. Activities (read: sports, fishing, even checkers) are a method of bonding between men. No one cares if he screwed her or if she really got that drunk one night. It’s scary the gossip you can learn from a group of boys sitting together. Oh, and why do your friendships have to be called ‘bromances?’ Stop that, too.
So boys, please, take my advice and man up.
With (tough) love,
The 15 Minute Goddess
P.S. Ke$ha seems to share the same opinion as me…